Being home at the coast, visiting my parents is always a great time for me as I get the chance to do a lot of self-reflection and it always seems to be at the right time and when I have just about had enough of the city and need a breakaway to another place. But although I came home to see my parents, I also had a plan of things I needed to discuss with them and a whole bunch of things that needed to be sorted out as well as the feeling that I needed to come home and see them.
Today though, my dad and I made a trip to Harding to the licensing department, one of the reasons I am home. Somehow I really just don’t enjoy making appointments with them, as mine rarely work out but today I was pretty optimistic. Once I came out with an appointment date though, my optimism was short lived and had flown out the window. The earliest appointment they had was a month after the date I had hoped for… I really felt defeated when the guy gave me the date and tried hard to swallow back my tears.
I was disappointed because I have a lot going on and really needed that date to be at the end of February, to suit my schedule. I also had a million things that were on hold because of this date and lots I needed to get back to in Pretoria. More than that though, I am missing my friends and more importantly, my life. DEFEATED just wasn’t the word. I guess it is also dealing with how many things I’m missing out on every day and hearing about them on the phone or a few days later, just isn’t the same.
Being at home has been a challenge as I’m home alone with the dog all day. I haven’t seen my sister in over a month. And ya. Mates are all back at varsity and stuff. And being without a car also gets me down. Relying so much on others really is frustrating me. But today, when I got back to the car, my dad was super sweet about it. He got a plan in action in the first 5 seconds of me telling him the horrid news, and all is well. My dad – a HERO!
But just by this, although I felt defeated I kinda got to a point where God was telling me, that it isn’t how I planned but He turns all things to my good. So it is best just to make the best of the situation and use this time fully rather than me moping around about things. All my grandparents are down, so now I get to spend time with them, which I hardly get to do with a usually busy schedule. I get to see a few friends, who live down here that I never see. I get to do a ton of yoga, sort out my stuff before I move back to Pretoria, I get to spend time and minister and build relationship with my parents. I might miss my life in Pretoria every day, but I get to focus and build relationship with God and help me become more of the woman that is needed so that I can be a blessing to so many others.
Me being alone, I got used to it in 2011, but after that my sister and I lived together for 2 years. Now being home and alone most of the day, I get to build me again and get used to doing what is needed and focus on myself and the goals I have. It is a tough time. I felt just as defeated yesterday in yoga. I was just as optimistic and eager to go do yoga and after the first 10 to 20 minutes I was already feeling frustrated and defeated as I wasn’t getting any of the poses right that I had planned to. I wanted to give up right then and there and throw in the towel. But I soon realised that I could do that, it is easy to do that. But the harder choice is trying again and persevering through the frustration and disappointment, and doing my best to try get things right. I ended up sticking to it, and stretching and messing around all day, trying over and over again until I got some of the poses right. Once I got at least one of them right I was totally stoked and the perseverance paid off and felt totally worth it and I suddenly felt like tomorrow I could actually try again. I suddenly felt hopeful in trying again the next day. It just takes patience and an attitude of trying again even though all other attempts failed. An attitude that believes there is still hope and is going to try make the best of whatever is thrown in your direction.
So yeah, I might have to be here an extra while but I can work around what is happening and still make other things happen. I can just do my best and use it to my advantage and to strengthen my relationship with God and others.
So defeated? I could have been but I refuse to be. I can be anything, but I won’t be defeated by anything or anyone and the enemy won’t defeat me.