After a very successful & productive week of studying, I had locked myself down to be even more productive this weekend in an effort to combat all my assignments. But Friday morning I woke up feeling sick & horrific. I’ve been feeling weak, insanely sore and nauseas, nowhere near the energetically happy person I’d been earlier in the week. When I woke up it was rainy miserable weather and to my shock: 10.30 am. I had overslept and felt no need to rush to any class seeing I had now tragically missed most of them. But I got into a shower, getting ready to hit those assignments.
As the day went by, I became less and less productive and I seemed to be feeling more and more sick. By 7pm, I had given up the battle against the giants named UNPRODUCTIVITY & SICKNESS. They’d won.
Feeling sorry for myself I ended up curled up on the couch with tons of blankets, the TV on & a cup of tea. One of my friends ended up on one of the musical game shows, I watched intently…trying to cheer him on, feeling a little adrenaline and excitement – a little distraction made feeling sorry for myself a little less. After that, my sister was craving chocolate and I had gotten a little excited about the idea of jelly tots after Tot had spoken to me earlier that day about their new packaging.
So, hoping I’d feel better in the morning, we headed out into the dark, cold night for sweet little pleasures…
(beep beep beep)
My alarm goes off, playing a tune I’d rather not hear this morning. I jump out of bed, flying across the room to switch it off and head back to bed for more sleep…what was supposed to be a few minutes of trying to wake up, turned into an hour of extra warm coziness making it even harder to get out of bed. After finally dragging myself out of bed & having taken a shower, I eat, have tea and try convince myself to do some studying. I’m supposed to be heading out to the library and for a second day in a row, I can’t convince myself to do anything. Instead I’m feeling even more sick than the previous day, I have no energy, have no appetite and clearly today is not gonna be what I hoped for. I feel horrible. I have to lie down to read or watch a movie, trying to keep warm under blankets and lie as still as I possibly can, so that I won’t end up gagging. I can’t seem to get anything done, even watching a movie seems painful. So most of the day I end up sleeping – anything not to want to vomit.
This evening, feeling sick and not able to stand this wallowing in self-pity any longer, I decide I’m gonna read my Bible and decided to have a little talk with the man upstairs. He’s gotta sort this out. After reading Romans, chapters 6, 7 & 8, my attention is drawn to an A4 book I used last year. In it I wrote down verses from the Bible or anything significant in it like prayers, I even had stuff I liked, didn’t like, what I wanted in a man, dreams, things I have learnt as well as things I feared.
What was so amazing about all this was, as I was reading through it all, it had stuff in it from February to June 2012. It was so cool to read where I was back then and how God has taken me full circle. Most of the things I had feared most and worried about, ended up happening on some sort of level, not the way I expected it to but I had faced those things, with God by my side and came through it. There’s also many things that came my way that I never expected and never would have seen coming, experiences God took me through and which I enjoyed so much. He also healed my heart in many ways, beyond what I expected Him to do. God really has blessed me with many experiences and grown me in so many ways, and reading all these things, I feel like His love has never gone away, His faithfulness has been immense. His grace in times that I have fallen and been weak has been in abundance and has been strongest in those times. I have experienced so much love and can only be thankful for all He has done.
Not only has this brought tears to my eyes and overwhelmed my heart with love and His faithfulness, my cup feels like it is overflowing with joy and thanks. I look forward to all He has planned for me and I cannot wait to experience it all. This just confirms all the promises He has made and where my heart truly lies. This has bought so much clarity and He has spoken so much through this gesture of showing me His heart for me. It truly is beautiful. That even now, in my weakest moments, my most ungraceful (even unproductive) moments – He loves me and His strength and faithfulness shines through at its strongest and brightest, encouraging me, motivating me, comforting me. He is always there.
It really is wonderful that in the midst of my sad, dark situation, God sheds light on it in the most grand ways.
Hebrews 10v23 – Let us hold UNSWERVINGLY to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.