These days I’m feeling a little disconnected….And when I get disconnected or start feeling this way, my first instinct is to get away from whatever it is that is making me feel like this and try get a new perspective….
Over a month ago I got busy with going for Bone Marrow Tests and taking shifts at the hospital..kinda like swapping shifts with Aunty Valencia, making sure one of us is around to see Uncle Johann. So for 4 weeks, I was between doing all that, going for therapy and also going home for a week to see my parents & two mates and I had gotten ill so I couldn’t do much…
For those 4 weeks I didn’t go to my cell group and church as I was busy and didn’t feel up to loads of people, never mind happy, energetic people. In that time though, lots happened in our cell group and it grew with new people and many activities. The weekend of Uncle Johann’s funeral, the Sunday evening, I decided it was time I get back to my cell group and church otherwise I would possibly avoid it until next year and that would not be a good thing. I went, it was great. That night I heard from God so clearly through Chris’s sermon and the movie we watched at cell/home group.
In the last two weeks, I haven’t been back again… I feel like I’m avoiding it but I don’t know why. It feels like it has gone on without me and that I’m out of the loop. Not only that but, it feels like it has changed and I don’t know how or why. I feel so incredibly disconnected from the people who felt closest to me and I don’t understand it. I feel like I don’t want to do any of the things I usually do because nothing feels the same. Not where I live, not the people, not my church, not my cell, not myself. Nothing. Even this weekend in the house I’m staying and the people I’m with. I just feel disconnected and all I can do or feel like doing is running. Going somewhere and doing something else to get a new perspective.
The phrase that has been stuck in my head though is, ‘if in doubt, paddle out’. And honestly, that describes exactly what I feel. I feel so disconnected, that I want to do something I know. Something that hasn’t changed and feels normal. To connect with something. I feel like paddling out into the ocean so that the doubt and disconnectedness can just go away. That I can just be. No feelings, no thinking, just connecting. Getting that new perspective, clearing my mind of all the clutter. A moment where all I can see, hear and feel is crashing of waves…something that has stayed the same. When in doubt, and a little disconnected – you just gotta be fine with it and go do something that makes you feel a little connected so that you can renew yourself and just be.
It is like spending all day out in the waves and sun swimming or surfing or whatever. Doing that all day makes you forget bout all the other things. At the end of the day, you feel like jelly or noodles and you feel tired and like you have had it rough… After the ocean air and salty hair, you take a shower, eat and go sleep. When you hit that bed, it is one of the best times of rest you have and the next day you are super refreshed. Suddenly you’re connected again. And you feel better than ever.
His anger lasts only a moment,
His favour lasts a lifetime.
Weeping may last for the night,
But there is a song of joy in the morning.