Cloudy thoughts tossed through the wind

1. Falling to my knees…..

2. grasping for air….

3. tears roll as I think of the dress I should wear…. A black dress…

4. It is cloudy outside, as cloudy in the sky as inside my head & in my heart……

5. Yesterday, Uncle Johan was taken on a ‘magic carpet’, as some of the kids at the hospital would describe, over the land and into the clouds, with Jesus into heaven.

6. Last night, I had to send the message to many who had kept him in their prayers, in this struggle with cancer. I didn’t know how to put it but went ahead in shock and sadness, still able to thank God and praise His name, lifting it up through it all.

7. Today though, it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel extremely happy. I feel cloudy….

8. A humble man. A quiet man.  One whom allowed me to see a bit of Jesus between his many words but also mysterious, long pauses & quiet moments. A man, whose eyes I will never forget.

9. This past week I was unable to go anywhere near the hospital as I planned, because I was sick and didn’t want to worsen his condition.

10. I have so many questions & so many tears… There is a sort of rawness and coldness left. I have gone from pure joy to deepened sadness & a cold silence within me. I don’t want to talk, I just want to sit with my sister and have a cup of coffee. A cup, that could just last forever.

11. Death is an interesting thing. With all the death this year, I thought it may have gotten easier, it hasn’t.

12. I thank God for the experience, meeting Bernhard & his father. Getting to know his mom. Getting the opportunity to go beyond fear & become a bone marrow & stem cell donor with the Sunflower Fund. The training with CANSA TLC, the people I’ve met, the relationships built through prayer, the miracles I’ve seen.

13. But I feel empty today….

14. More than yesterday…

15. But I know day by day, Jesus will fill me again with joy & all He has

16. But today,

17. I’m falling to my knees…

18. grasping for air….

19. as tears roll down as I think of the dress I should wear…. A black dress…

20. While it is cloudy outside, as cloudy in the sky as inside my head & in my heart……

Categories: Pursuing Life | Leave a comment

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