About a month ago I went to Jo’burg in hopes of having coffee with a few new friends who play for the Lions. That Tuesday we had experienced snow all over the country & then that Wednesday I was back in Jo’burg to see Liz, have coffee & also go watch a movie with a friend.
Although I had an awesome day I had an even more humbling experience with Liz that night as she shared her heart with me. But as we spoke she shared a question with me that God had given her which really seemed to challenge her & as soon as she had shared it, I found it was something that had come up in my journey of late with God too & it challenged me greatly as I didn’t know how to answer that. The question was: “I can be all you need, but am I really all you want?” Liz & I both struggled to answer and felt guilty because of it. We had both experienced heart ache in relationships that were broken with guys, hers only a few months ago and mine nearly a year ago. Although we didn’t mind being single, we both really wanted someone to love & someone to share with one day. We both want to have a husband one day or a family but suddenly we were feeling guilty for wanting that. We both considered the fact that God says, ‘seek Him first and all shall be added unto you,’ but that means desire Him first and He will add all the desires unto you later (according to His Will obviously). But with the question He had both challenged us with, made it seem that He wants us all to Himself – so are we really to desire other things as well?
In a prayer of mine a few weeks ago, after that challenging question, I was up to being honest with myself: God could be all I needed, but He wasn’t all I wanted. I wished He was, but at that point He really wasn’t. My focus at that time had been guys, especially with this year of being single nearly being up.
Now, after all these weeks, and especially after Saturday night (my parents and friends attended my 21st party), I can honestly say God took me on a journey and I have gotten to a place where I honestly ONLY WANT HIM. My whole being desires Him. But it doesn’t just happen; the four week journey really was a hectic one. It had many up’s and down’s. I’ve seen how with some guys I’ve focused on friendship like for example some of the rugby guys. I’ve just tried to be a friend, getting to know them and constantly praying for them, whether or not they knew it, I have been on my knees daily in prayer for them. Then, there has been another person, with whom I haven’t done that. This person had been flirting with me and I really thought he was a genuine nice guy, it did look like we were going somewhere but at the same time, he didn’t seem like he would ever ask me out, and some of the things he had asked me to do, I’d said no to and just really bothered me. It’s weird to see how faithful God is in this. I always try hoping and seeing the best in others no matter the circumstance, but every time I did this, there was still this weary feeling inside me about this guy & that something just didn’t add up. In prayer, I took this to the Lord and that things were bothering me about him but I still wasn’t sure, maybe I’m being weary for nothing – I mean, he did say sorry a few times for things. But after the weekend I had had, God has just been so faithful. This weekend I was left extremely disappointed by this person’s actions and character traits and I was extremely irritated and sad. Many of the guys living with me came to my rescue trying to cheer me up, but I think it was just because this person seemed great one on one but in a group he wasn’t at all who I had thought him to be.
Chris, my friend and the new youth pastor at the church had prayed and said such beautiful things at my birthday, but most of all, I told him about my disappointment and also told him that I had learnt ANYONE could disappoint me but so far God hasn’t and that I have come to a place where I am so grateful of what God has done and showed me and that He really does know best. Chris then also added something his mom always said, “We have feet made of clay.” He then explained, that as much as this person has disappointed me, anyone even the best people we know will disappoint us. Not only that, but I’m sure I have disappointed many people and I truly am sorry, be it when I’ve known or not, it has never been my intentions.
But from this whole story and journey, I am beyond excitement! I really cannot wait to see what lies ahead. I have made such good friends and met such stand up guys that play rugby and although they seem to doubt in themselves, through being on my knees and praying for them, God has shown me who they truly are and how He loves them even though some of them haven’t spoken to me half as much as others. I am at a place where all I want IS God and I truly desire Him and make a daily choice to follow Him. God is so faithful, and He knows our worries and things that bother us, and when we share those thoughts with Him – He comes through for us and protects us. When we are unsure, He shows us taking away any doubt in our minds. He is faithful; we just need to trust that.