Sounds amazing to have gotten here and like it has gone by so quickly but yesterday I was brought to my knees again. Humbled once again. I found myself emotional and flat on the floor, tired of working my way around my ex. I hadn’t let him go completely and hadn’t given anything over to God as I had thought but last night I did. On my knees, tears and mascara running down my face and arms as I cried. The last couple of days, God has just opened my eyes.
Firstly, I had to give everything over to God and make the choice to do everything for God with a smile, swallowing my pride and being the better person between me and my ex. All for the glory of God. And I had to decide that I can’t stop living my life and doing things God needs me to just because my ex is around. I have the choice on how to handle things and not be intimidated or feel inferior. But I’ve made the choice – handed it all over to God – His Will not mine. God has the bigger picture – I should trust that even if I don’t understand right now.
I also had to repent, for many things. Feels like a whole list but it is all things God showed me in 2 days.
First it was on judging. I hate judging others, yet somehow we all do it, including me – something I feel so ashamed of. Anyway, with that, God seems to have a great sense of humour when it comes to proving me wrong. In my first year of studying at varsity, back in 2010 – I judged or put a guy, named Francois, into the box of “jock”. You know those who are sporty and hang out with the pretty girls who always look perfect. Well, I did that without getting to know them or him. Someone I thought I’d never talk to and then for some random reason I thought he might want to watch the Bulls rugby team play the Blues last Saturday and invited him. He declined but ended up going anyway with someone else. So I left at that thinking he was a jerk. Tuesday evening, he sends me a message asking to catch up before class or just see me. My stomach was in knots, I was super nervous – didn’t know what to expect or why in the world he would even want to speak to me. I guess because I had already labeled him as a ‘bad guy’, I was hoping it would be aweful so that I would be right and not have to like him. Fortunately, it was great, not only did we meet up before class and walked to our classes together, he later also saved me from a terrible experience with my ex and the more we talk, the more I feel bad for judging him because he really has a good heart, one for God and his intentions great. The next day I had tea with him & a friend and they spoke about business – which I thought I’d hate, but I learnt so much about him and so much about what I do want in a guy that I never thought of before, although it seems God already has. Anyway, great guy – if he ever reads this – I want to apologise sincerely for making judgements without getting to know him first.
The second, was repenting for trying to take my own life into my hands and wanting to sort it out myself. Listening to Francois and Starlyn, talking business, I decided I should get into that so I’d have money for a missions trip to Hawaii and Indo with mates end of next year which was so wrong. Because if you really knew me, you’d know that God already told me He’d take care of that. Before I started studying, my parents questioned me because they doubted I’d make money and be able to stay alive in my field of study. They made me worry, and the first time He really ever spoke to me – He gave me the verses in 1 Corinthians 9v13&14. It said, “13 Don’t you know that those who serve in the temple get their food from the temple, and that those who serve at the altar share in what is offered on the altar? 14 In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel.” God had already told me He’d always provide and that money or anything of the sort would never be a problem and if it were – He’d take care of it, not me. So last night when I fell down to my knees, I knew that was something to repent about. God’s got it – I must stop trying to take control.
So 6 months down the line I still don’t get much right, but after last night, today I feel renewed and I had the most blessed day I could ever have imagined. My class presentation went well, I had a great time chatting to Francois and again learned so much about him. It all just gives me new perspective and today I found myself drowning in God’s amazing, sweet grace and felt so loved and if this is what it feels like to serve an Almighty God and just to live for Him, then I don’t want anything else!!! 6 months and I’m finally over it all and starting to live a life of God’s purpose and will and it is so humbling. Never been more blessed and learning as much as now. And no one can take that away unless I let them.