These last two years that I have been out of school and studying at Pretoria University, I have been so lost. Not able to find who I am and somehow it feels like I haven’t grown spiritually at all. I can say I have in the months from January this year ‘til now, but only because I could see this progress through my going to counselling. But still, I feel like I’m at a ‘what now, what next?’ kind of place.
So in this, I have been searching for a mentor. I really feel I need one and it has felt like God was pressing it on my heart to get one. So through the course of the year or so I had emailed many people, or a handful but still quite a few people I know of to be my mentor. And each time I’ve either gotten a reply apologising and say why they can’t, or a yes and then those people have not been active in my life at all or I have gotten no reply.
My search hasn’t gone well, it has kind of been a fail in that aspect. Due to this fail, I have wondered what has gone wrong….do they really not have time? Don’t they like me? Do they just not care or take any interest in me? Do I not exist? Honestly, I don’t know if any of those are true, maybe the ones about time but hey, it is okay.
My wondering and questions got answered the other day by a very dear friend, someone I could see as a mentor but would rather have as my friend now that I have found my mentor. She pointed out something so obvious, that I haven’t even thought of this whole time. “Let God be your Mentor, not someone else!” Deo-Dane’s words hit me hard then, and I felt so dumb. This whole time I had been out there searching for someone to be my mentor, putting so much faith in people who have just left me disappointed with their excuses and made me doubt myself so much when actually, God wanted me to have a mentor, but HELLO, He wanted to be my mentor. He wants me to put my faith in Him and not in people who make mistakes and cannot teach me as they don’t know the matters of my heart.
So many times, we are so rushed or excited by hearing something from God, that, I guess, we run around like headless chickens and forget to stop and be stilled and wait for God to show us the rest of what He wanted to. We kind of hear what He’s saying and finish His sentences for Him in words we think are supposed to be there. Making mistakes like this have challenged me now, to stop, be still and wait for My Mentor (Jesus) to lead me and make known His presence and what should happen.
“Be still, and know I am God…” Psalm 46:10
Thank goodness for two people like Deo-Dane and Mari whom put me into check and help me with their perspectives, and God for blessing me with them, otherwise I’d miss such small details!!