I am a very giving person. Someone who enjoys sharing, so much so that I’ve become so involved in sharing others dreams’ that I have lost who I am – this was a fact pointed out to me by a dear friend whilst having hazelnut lattes the other day.
She is a bit older than I am, someone serving on the same committee as I, someone whom I thought I would never be friends with. Or rather, I had made the choice that I didn’t want to be friends with her. I judged too quickly though, for which I am sorry. But one day I just thought I should ask her how it is going with teaching at school and the next thing I know, we became friends. So somehow, God drew us together and He blessed me with this amazing person and sent her to take me for coffee at just the right time. I thought we were such opposites, but it seems, more and more, that we are very much alike. She’s been through so much of what I am dealing with now.
Her thoughts and perspectives have been revelations to me. I am currently in a relationship, but the past year and seven months I have been so caught up in my boyfriend’s schedule and activities, that I have stopped growing and dreaming my own dreams and I have stopped being myself. Not that he required that from me, but just because I throw myself so into his life, sharing his dreams and things that I have become his shadow, exactly what this friend of mine had done. In the end, all of you – is put aside so that the pursuit of your boyfriend’s happiness can be accomplished. At the end of a day or another year, you wonder why nothing of your own has been done, but you hate admitting it is your own fault.
So then, I get asked by my friend, who am I and what do I want? And in all honesty, I was astonished at how hard it was for me to answer that. I have always felt too bad to ask myself anything, thinking that would be selfish, but it’s not! It is something so valid, that it should be done. Yes, I want to pursue God’s dreams for me but because He loves me, He allows me to have my own dreams too. He invites me to dream and He says pursue it unless He lets me know not to.
Now, here I am. Writing. Thinking. I want to pursue God and myself. I want Him to lead me and guide me. I want God to let me know when not to do something, otherwise I will pursue it. I am not going to live in the shadows of my boyfriend or anyone else. I am going to do it all for God. Pursuing God first and things that He wants for me. Not anyone else. I want Him to teach me who I am. Finding myself by finding Him and listening to what He says about me and learning to believe that.